Prompting

A very common complaint I hear a few days into potty training is something along the lines of “He’s doing fine but only when we tell him to go….is this kid EVER going to  tell us when he has to go??”

My answer is; OF COURSE he will!

But right now, in the early stages of potty training, your child needs you. It still counts if they pee in the potty because you tell them to. Like any other learning they have done or will do, they need you, the parent as a crutch. Think of learning to walk. They had to hold your hands at first, both for the physical ability and the comfort. Then they took a few tentative steps away from you but quickly needed your hand again. In strange environments, they hold your hand to tug you along to where they want to investigate. PROMPTING IS HOLDING THEIR HAND.

Some kids will immediately start to self initiate. Most kids will build it slowly…usually about 3 weeks into the process, you can start counting on self initiating. Until then, it will be a few days of always prompting. Then maybe one or two times of telling you they have to go. Then, every once in a while they will sit on their own and do their business. It will continue to build. And in strange situations, you may have to do some more hand holding. And one day you will wake up and not have potty training on the brain. I swear to god, this day will come.

When to prompt:

The big trick with prompting is to not OVER PROMPT.  90% of ALL RESISTANCE is caused by over prompting.  So…the question becomes how often is it good to prompt without slipping into over prompting (aka..bugging, nagging and general over talking it).

While your child is learning to use the potty, you actually should be learning some things too. I know, wth…right?  What are YOU supposed to be learning? Your child’s pee pattern. Some kids can drink 4 ounces of fluid and pee 9 times in an hour. Other kids are camels and can drink 32 ounces of fluid and pee twice all day.  Some children are camels until they “break the seal” (college drinking days, anyone?)…then it’s 9 times in an hour. EVERY SINGLE KID IS DIFFERENT.  This pee pattern is going to let you get back to regularly scheduled life after potty training. If you know you have a big drinker and pee-er in the morning, don’t go running errands first thing. If you know you have a camel, run like the wind to get your shopping done.

You will also be learning your child’s particular pee-pee dance. Some kids have the classic hopping around, ants-in-the-pants dance. Other kids are crotch grabbers. Some kids get real slow and silent. The first few days of potty training should get you acclimated to your child’s particular dance. This is naturally a good time to prompt, while bringing their awareness to the dance. So it’s goes something like, “I can see you have to pee. You are holding your penis. Come, sit on the potty.”

REMEMBER: YOU ARE NOT ASKING YOUR CHILD IF THEY HAVE TO GO. YOU ARE PROMPTING THEM TO THE POTTY.

There are some other very natural, thus low pressure, times to prompt. These are times we all go pee, so they don’t have a nagging quality to them and tend not to interrupt the child in the middle of something.  These are called easy catches: upon awakening and before sleep, before leaving (anywhere) and upon arrival (anywhere), before and after prolonged sitting (high chair, car seat, laps and couches) and before and after an engaging activity.

It’s also okay and very natural to hold off an activity until your child pees, especially when you are very certain they have to. So it’s looks like this, “Sure, we can leave for our walk as soon as you pee.”  or “Yes, you can watch Elmo. Sit and pee first.”  This is not to be confused with bribery or rewarding, which would look something like, “I’ll let you watch Elmo if you sit and pee for Mommy.”  Don’t slip into bribery…you will end up with a power struggle.

It’s also helpful to prompt in a cluster of other things. “Please pick up your blocks. It’s time for lunch. Go sit on the potty, then we’ll wash hands.”  This does 2 things. It puts potty training in the normal realm of Things You Just Do.  And it also keeps YOUR tone and vibe normal. I know this is shocking but parents can get shrill and anxious around potty training.  A brilliant Mom on our forum found that putting potty training under “helpful” worked wonders. Her daughter loves being helpful so she would phrase it as, “Put your fork on the table. Put your cup on the table. Go sit and pee. Thank you. You are such a big help.”

The delicate dance of prompting, not over prompting is an important one. It’s also important to remember that this is temporary!  Many parents try to rush the self initiation and end up with a lot of accidents. You don’t want to do this. If your child doesn’t have a lot of success to build on, his little mind will go to some version of “I suck at this. I’m not even trying anymore.” (I call it the inner “fuck it”).  You are building a tower of success. If you start kicking out blocks from the foundation, it will tumble.